I hate facebook.
There I said it. Why, my good readers ask? Because it usually reminds me of how crappy of a friend that I truly am.
In my three years on the largest social networking site in the world (I think, it's either the largest or a close second behind the myspace), I've managed to accrue two hundred and fifteen "friends." I use the term friend loosely in this instance; I recently "reconnected" with someone that I haven't seen since the fourth grade via the facebook. I also use the term "reconnected" loosely here. It usually consists on one to two messages asking how've you been for the last so and so years replied with a two sentence summary of two decades (which for me is surprisingly easy, it usually consists of the statement, 'not much') and paltry a friend request symbolizing the friendship we once had, though a cannabalized version of friendship that only facebook provides. Of course, by being my "friend," I have the ability to stalk you know and know every intrepid detail about your online world.
There. That is what puts it best. Facebook has managed to make me more of a stalker than a friend. I no longer need to actively interact with my "friends" anymore (god forbid, a phone call is simply too much effort these days (even text messages is becoming a chore)); I merely need to check their facebook to see what's going on in their lives. I have discovered the people are in a relationship or have broken up through facebook. I see how people look now, years after I stopped talking to him or her. And my favorite is seeing who ex's are with, and inevitable comparison between that person and myself, wondering where I failed and they've succeeded (Yes, I even succumb to these emo moments once in a while. Although I have one ex that I check in particular just because keeping her life is like watching a soap opera. It’s just so damn entertaining!). A person went as far as invited me to his wedding through a facebook message. (He didn’t technically invite me to the wedding via a facebook message, but rather asked for my address. When I mentioned that I was in Korea at the time, he linked me to his wedding website and asked if I wanted to attend. I felt pretty much like a used condom.)
I hate facebook because it makes me miss people. Friends that I stopped talking to. Friends that left empty spaces in my life. The fights we had seem so trivial now. I told a friend once that sometimes having a relationship with someone and being “right” are on opposite ends of the spectrum. The only reason I could say something like that is by the friends that I’ve alienated by being right. By being stubborn and not swallowing my pride. I’m not saying to allow myself to be a doormat for people to walk on, but at the same time sometimes just lying and agreeing with someone for the sake of being their friend.
I find that adulthood is less about sticking to your morals that were pounded into you as a child and was told to you by countless people was what would make you a better man and woman, and more about keeping the people you care for around you, near to you, providing for them, caring for them. And sometimes in that process, you find yourself lost in moral ambiguity and those same absolutes that were pounded into you just aren’t as important. That is what I find is adulthood to me.
I miss my friends. I feel happy when I see their smiling faces in their tagged pictures that they post. I feel happy knowing that they are in successful relationships and are doing well with their careers. I want to share in their happiness as I did once before, as a part of their lives. But I can't. I want to write a message, just saying hi. But I won't. Part of me feels like it's a lost cause. Another part of me doesn't think, no rather knows, that even though they are the people that I remember and that the memories we share are not forgotten, that they have changed and so have I.
I feel pang of jealousy when I see some these friends and some of my friends that I still am in contact with in pictures together. I wonder what I did wrong and what they did right.
And ultimately, I wonder if people think the same of me. If people hover their mouse over my tagged photo and want to share in my happiness.
Isn't facebook just stupid?
Or is it just me?
