Date #2 and whole bunch of other things

Online dating, despite claims otherwise (by endless inundation of commercials and banner ads on facebook and google) is not easy.

I was naive to think it would be. I thought with each iteration in which I would scour the Internet to meet women, that the whole process would get easier. I thought. And meet women I have, through profiles and pictures, but not so much real life conversation over coffee and drinks.

At this time, I've sent over twenty emails now and gotten zero responses. Discouraging? Definitely. Complete and utter blow to my self confidence? Absolutely.

Welcome back to the blog of THE MOST UNATTRACTIVE MAN in ONLINE DATING HISTORY.

Ahhhh...the absolute and utter nuking of what was left of my self confidence has been so entertaining for myself. The last time around, I wrote about it jokingly, because I figured that the only way to deal with the rejection was just simply laugh at it. Now, I just realize that it is just one big joke. I mean really (I know this sounds like an eharmony commercial) what can a profile and a bunch of picture tell you about a person. I guess about as much as a stupid personality test taken online. (Take THAT EHarmony. FACE!)

I went on a second date with the girl. It wasn't fun. I didn't know at the time, but she had read my blog and already knew what I had to say. Even when we were talking about it, I just felt not right. What is the easiest way to say, I'm just not attracted to you even though I don't really know you. I'm beginning to understand what people say about chemistry. It's either there or not. I don't necessarily think it needs to be acknowledged immediately. And I definitely think it needs to built upon. But it's there. It's a hidden potential that you see in a person. It can't forced or coerced. It's just this gut feeling. I could be with this person.

She kept on calling me adorable and telling me it was okay and I kept on saying I was sorry. I'm not sure who was telling the truth or if there was any truth to be told.

We portray maturity as the ability to cope with the emotions that we feel and evoke from others on a daily basis. Coping sounds too clean for me. I'm realizing that life as an adult is just messy. I think maturity is acknowledging the mess infront of us and choosing drudge through it instead of living life through a monitor enclosed in a hermetically sealed box and going no where.

I'm sorry. It's just the weather. April showers bring May flowers? I'm not so sure about the flowers, but they definitely got the showers part of it right.

Date #1

Lo and behold, I went on a date.

Sick and tired of going the whole process of consistent rejection (granted, as discouraging as it is, I'm not quite waving the white flag as of yet. With the new month comes the challenge of five more not-so-awkward emails), I decided to respond to a girl that had "winked" at me on match. Honestly, I haven't gone on a date or an event resembling on for a good two years. So I decided to email her back and give the whole date thing a try. We exchanged emails and soon afterwards and several emails in, we arranged a meeting at local watering hole.

Its weird. I found myself dreading the date. As the arranged time quickly approached, I wondered if it was a better idea to just call off the date and avoid the potential of me making a bad decision, me making an ass of myself, me embarrassing myself in multiple imagined scenarios in my head. With another encounter with my inner bastard still fresh in my mind, I didn't really trust myself. Like a guy on the first weeks of dieting, I found myself in the line of the golden arches, intending to buy a garden fresh salad but eyeing the double quarter pounder combo instead (that's a number 3, thank you very much).

In the end, I didn't call it off. I felt bad making up a white lie- and I went. I was a little bit late; I wanted to shower before the date and at least make an attempt to look presentable. I felt oddly confident with the whole situation. I dreaded my decision making ability more than just meeting a person. I'm good with people and conversing with new people. I have a fairly good sense of humor and am knowledgable in a variety of subject matter so that I keep a conversation fresh, most of the time. I'm thirty now, and despite a few set backs, I pretty much have a fair sense of who I am and who I am not.  Needless to say, I had a pretty good time. The girl is a sweet, nice, intelligent girl, who sadly, I wasn't very physically attracted to.

(sigh)

I'll readily admit it. I'm a guy. There's a certain element of attraction for me that is purely based upon a woman's physical attractiveness. I think as I've gotten older, that threshold has gotten broader. It used to be only Olivia Wilde. Now, its Olivia Wilde to Mila Kunis. See! Wider!

I say that in jest, of course (Olivia, you are still my dream girl. If you ever seek a slightly overweight Asian man with moderate to good cooking skills and a halfway decent golf swing, call me). I've noticed, as I've gotten older, that I'm more open to find beauty in other places besides merely just appearance. Don't get me wrong, initial attraction for me is always grounded in physical attractiveness; to deny that would be denying human nature. But I've noticed how quickly a "hot" girl can just get less and less attractive once you talk to her and get to know her. And how quickly an average looking girl can become sexy because she has intelligence and acts with kindness with dashes of sarcasm and wit.

And for me, its always been someone's flaws that have drawn me to them. The wierd thing a person does with her lips. Over sized ears sticking out from underneath her hair. Quirks. Quirks are hot. (And I still have issues)

But I digress. My date, unfortunately, just didn't fall under my threshold. I spent most of the night, along with conversing with her, trying to make myself feel different about that. I couldn't. And I also feel like I shouldn't try forcing myself to feel that way. Either its there or it isn't. In the end, I felt like I had just found another friend, instead of a potential lover. (And I mean lover in the metaphorical sense. If I meant sex partner, I would have said sex partner. Sheesh)

Regardless, I had a good time. It was a good experience. I know now that I am confident and at ease with who I am, and as I write more and more emails (and continue to get rejected), I think that will shine through. For me, the anxiety was never really attached the date, it's always been what it took to get there, which (I know) is completely backwards and stupid. No one said I was intelligent about the things that I dread.

My friend compared what I'm going through to the process of finding a job. I guess in her own way, she was telling me not to take things so personally and to just keep moving ahead and numb yourself to the rejections. In the end, I guess dating is like a job. The process of sending out your resume, the initial courtship and talking is like the interview, and once you're on your date you realize that this one is just like the last job you had and its still just a job.

How morbidly simplistic life is sometime. Repetition just disguised as different things. Is it really that simple and have I just missing the whole point till now? Who say God doesn't have a sense of humor?

And I'll keep on furrowing forward. I've never dated actively before, and its something I feel like is a good thing for me to do. I've always been the type to fixate on the "one" girl. I've never notice much else around me. And I guess now is my chance.

Here's to me. Not being awkward.