I'm tired.

Tired of my life. Tired of waking every morning and seeing my reflection in the mirror. Tired of logging into my back account and seeing the same meaningless number, always lower than I thought it would be. Tired of stepping and a scale and seeing the same meaningless number, always higher than I thought it would be.

I'm tired of struggling through life. I feel directionless, rudderless, set adrift on an open sea, with no port of departure or of destination. I'm tired of being single. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of having friends trying to probe into my life. No, I don't really want to talk about my feelings and such. No, I don't want to answer your irrelevant questions about my mundane life. I live it. I don't need to be reminded of its mediocrity.

I'm tired of being scared of what I don't know. I'm tired of not taking risks. I'm tired of having to take risks with the uncertainty in my life. Shouldn't I be settled down by now? Wait, what exactly does settled down entail?

I don't enjoy things like I used to. Instead of seeking happiness; I seem to be content with a numbing status quo. As long as it is not bad, it is acceptable. If it is bad, as long as it is manageable or I can ignore it, then it can be dealt with. If it painful, as long as I can forget about it eventually, that is acceptable. Just enough seems to be the goal for everything.

I suddenly understand what people mean when they speak of the vitality of youth. The other day, I had to jump off a ledge that was maybe four feet off the ground. I remember as a younger man, I would have scoffed at the height and jumped forward with reckless abandon. Now, I look down and carefully measure the distance, crouch down as low as I can go to salvage the blow that I will deal to my already complaining knees. This might be related to the ever higher irrelevant number from the scale