Falling for imaginary people

After reading the title for the blog and knowing that I am trying my hand at online dating, the appropriate response to the title of the blog should be-

uh oh. (Or some equivalent expression of dismay)

Ten emails sent out so far. Zero responses. The logical, and thus smaller, side of me realizes that online dating is simply a numbers game. You email and email and email, till you find someone that takes a shining to the pretty words you write and write you back politely saying that she's not interested in you. And then you write twice as many emails, inevitably acknowledging the fact that, you maybe have overshot your own ability to attract women with five year old pictures that depict a more fit you and that your loneliness, like the consumption of multiple beer, has lowered your standards, yet again.

Eventually, someone, who also has a five year old picture, lowered self esteem and suffering from a similar condition of loneliness with a dash of desperation will email you back. That's how it works. Or is supposed to work for most normal, functional adults.

But then there's me.

I read a profile, look at a picture, see a smiling face and then let my imagination take over. (Okay gentle readers, right now is when you realize that 90% of perversion is farce for humor sake. No, I don't generally fantasize about women I have not yet met. I did use the word generally, so exceptions have been made). I fill in details about them, imagine what their voices sound like, wonder how we would interact. Ultimately we enter the deep recesses of my imagination and I flesh out an imaginary person that I am tremendously attracted to from just a profile (usually filled with odd, sometimes candid, but mostly generic statements) and a picture (typically shot at an angle).

Sad, isn't it? I laugh a lot writing this, and I try to make light of this whole dating thing, but I'm the one who's falling for imaginary women.

And even though I know its just a game of numbers, and eventually, eventually someone will reply, it stings doubly much that not only did the woman I emailed reject me but this imagined person that I've created in my head from a smiling photo and profile did as well. It makes it almost so easy. I almost think that maybe it should be this easy to meet and ultimately reject people.

I told my friend that I disliked online dating because it was like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound; it really doesn't address most people's problem. In the end, it puts the blame of your personal loneliness on the circumstances around you, instead of a personal introspection of what in your life is making you isolate yourself romantically to the people around you. Its easier to say, I don't meet women anymore. Its harder to say, I lack tact and drive away women with my sarcasm and self deprecation and have a hard time expressing my attraction to women because I have an unrealistic and deep seeded fear of rejection.

And I know online dating isn't the answer for me. But, if I can come to terms with these imaginary rejections, I think it will help be able to accept one face to face. Its like training wheels, before I try riding my big boy bike on my own.

God, I one fucked up individual.

Back to the online dating

So after the last debacle with online dating, which quite memorably led to me sleeping with another girl that was not tremendously attracted to but also led to several quite funny (well, for me I guess) blogs, I took a break from the whole meet-a-person-online dating scene (if you can call it one) and tried my hand at the whole conventional dating scene/there's-no-chance-in-hell-nate's-going-to-get-any option.

Three awkward texts, one crush on a friend, and one ambiguous pseudo "date" with another friend later (this describes three different situations with three different girls, just to clarify), I realized that through it all, I was still single and very little had changed in my life, besides the date and unfortunately, my ever fluctuating weight.

So again, I, once opened myself up to the concept of online dating and all of its misadventures associated with it.

Now on a serious note, I didn't initially want to blog about it. I'm not trying to take this as lightly as before. A part of me realizes that I'm 31 now and probably should partake in certain things with a bit more gravity and less levity. I bought a paid account (which wasn't cheap) with the idea that I would approach this with some seriousness.

That lasted all of a week. Although, I've been on Match for two weeks now, I realized by the end of the first week that I would eventually have to blog about my experiences. And to specify, by experiences I mean being rejected continually by women and being "winked" at by ugly women.

This is going to be a fun six months.

For starters, I bought the six month package deal on Match.com. Slightly subsidized from the normal rate, and it comes with a money back guarantee if I don't find a relationship within the subscription time (either that or they give me six months more free? I dunno. I'm also questioning what they consider a relationship. I guess that would also lead to the deep seeded question of what I consider a relationship). Reading between the lines, it also specifies to qualify for said money back guarantee I have to 1) make a profile (witty and clever as the last one. done) 2) put a picture on your profile (picture of me being creepy. done) 3) and write at least five emails to five different match members a month (this being two weeks in, five awkward emails have already been sent. done)

So overall, painless. Easy. I'm set. Witty, yet clever profile filled with word play and overall charm? Killer photo? I'm set. Bring on the ladies that will be lining up at my door to join in the fun that is labeled 'Nate's life.'

And I'm not going to lie at first, I thought I was golden. Plenty of profiles with attractive women smiling, a few people viewing my profile within the first couple of days.

Its like going to the Old Country Buffet for the first time and seeing the vast spread of food in front of you and congratulating yourself for the good good choice that you made until half way through the meal you realized that every dish, no matter if it was meat or vegetable tastes suspiciously the same, and at the end of the meal when you are running to the nearest bathroom and holding on to dear life.

Although in the first week, I managed to get two winks from two (yes count them two) unattractive women. TWO! (Personally, at the time, I was sure if I should feel insulted that the women winked at me. My first reaction was shock, then dismay when I realized that both girls really thought they had a chance. I suddenly understand the plight of attractive women when I hit on them (I only kidd. My friend pointed out to me as many have, my self deprecation comes across as unattractive sometimes.))

But five emails in, and no responses later, its given me a new perspective on an old and daunting foe. Rejection. No wait. It hasn't. It still sucks. I have more to say about that, and the rejection in particular, but that will have to wait for another blog.

Well, month one is nearly over and I've filled my quota. I'm thinking about taking a break till my next month starts and then writing some more emails. I realize that I hate doing this shit in real life and online, I hate this shit even more.

I know, I know. Quit your bitching and keep on writing. You don't got to tell me twice.