dumpings and perspective

So I got dumped.

I've never been one to mince words, especially when it comes to my own life. I mean as dumpings go, it was a kind, soft and fuzzy variety, but nevertheless, it was a dumping and as kind, soft, and fuzzy and good intentioned as it was, it still signified the end of something that I wanted to be more than it was, but ultimately was not.

If I said it made me sad, I have to add the caveat that it made me sad in a good way, as good as a way as sadness can go. In the end, the sense of loss reminded me that for as brief of a period that it was, there was a void in my life that was temporarily filled, that I had forgot needed to be filled. And now that the void is back, it's just the naturally readjustment and the discomforts associated with acknowledging it that I hate. In the end I know this emptiness I feel should no longer be ignored anymore and that I should, at some point in time, try and fill it again.

So back to online dating for me, as for now, it;s my only viable vehicle that has been somewhat successful for me to meet new people. And back to writing one way emails that have yet to be answered. And then figuring out ways to not take the not-answering-of-emails-that-I-write personally. I'm still working on that.

It's weird, but as I exist and dwell further into the intrepid world of online dating that I have found the need to self-censor myself. As one of my dates found my blog after our first date and discovered that I didn't share her interest in me, or with another date, where I found myself questioning whether or not to write about my dates with her or with the emails and my profile that I write on match; I choose generic words that are chosen carefully to relay some muted message of what I am thinking and how I feel instead of the really communicate candidly what I am thinking and how I truly feel.

I've noticed the moment that I start writing for expectation of other people is the moment my momentum for writing begins to stutter and stop. Even this blog. It's great that some people find my writing amusing and frequent this online diary of sorts. But I write for me mostly. I write to put down my thoughts. To rationalize and logically think, with the objectivity that writing with words from a key board and a glowing monitor provide.

I forget the secret of writing is to be your own biggest fan.

Yeah, I know the past two post have been a bit introspective of late, but I've had a lot of my mind and haven't really talked about it with the people around me. Sadly, my friends give me sympathy when I want perspective.

God, isn't that the story of my life. I could write a whole post on that. But not tonight. Not now. For now, this is enough.

I'll do it later

I'm stuck. I'm in a rut. Gears have ground to a halt.

I can't tell you when it began, but its been trending this way for a while. First, it started with an "I'll do it later." Later became next week. Next week became next month. And then I look at the task that needs to be done, and with the elapse time, the single task has accumulated and become a life style that will take months, if not years to change. 

And to think, the tipping point was just the single statement, "I'll do it later." How poignant. We look to the future  as an unwritten script that we can pile on the misdeeds of the present and the mistakes of the past, to sort them out then. We often forget that are future self is only a variant of our present self, and if our present self is unwilling to deal with issue at hand, how likely will our future self be? 

The accumulation of the I'll do it later's in my life- my brain splays into millions of tangental thoughts of how that single statement has crippled me from fulfilling my dreams, my desires, my goals. My mom used to chant to me, no, I'll do it later. You'll do it now.

I finally am beginning to understand what she meant. I'll do it later is a gamble. A promise of a day that might not come. There is not assurance in it. It has nothing to do with trust or responsibility. It is just a simple tip of my cap of the chaotic nature of life sometimes. I'll do it later is a promise that I cannot guarantee to keep, no matter how good my intentions. I'll do it later is a passive way of not saying no, when I don't want to do something and I know I should. I'll do it later is representative of the avoidance of conflict, sugar coating a bitter truth, acknowledging a shortcoming. 

I'll do it later is the reason why I'm fat. Its a promise to run, exercise, eat better for a tomorrow that I cannot guarantee will come. I'll do it later is making bets with house money, with all intentions of winning what money you already lost with money that you borrowed and now have to pay back. 

I've been a gambler this whole time, without even realizing it. I've just been gambling with the one currency that is more valuable than anything else in my life. My time. 

I think I'm going to start a list of rules in life that I should follow. So far I've got-

1. You will fail. If you're lucky, often. Embrace failure.

2. Do it now, or don't do it at all. I'll do it later is a promise to no one. 

3. The statement I'm not good enough is the most selfish statement in the world. 

I'm sure with time this list will get longer, and probably less profound as it gets longer. What do I care. It's my list. I've been meaning to write in this blog for a while now. Its been on my I'll do it later list. I think I should get rid of that list.