Dating is a twisted game a chicken. You and your datee (whoever that unfortunate woman is in my life) barreling headfirst at each other, flashing your lights and blaring your horns, hoping to dear God that she might have more sense than you and swerve out of the way before you to crash into each other in a flaming, twisted pile of metal and glass, broken hearts and bodies thrown astrew. Or so I've been told.
Oh, have I mentioned that I've been dating someone for the past couple of weeks? And, its going well, contrary to the statement that I just wrote a few sentences ago.
Still, its been an adjustment, mostly on my part. Its been a while since I've dated anyone. Been a while since I've had feelings other than those based on the desire to sleep with someone for someone. I'm used to be a selfish, singular being. I've been a selfish, singular being for the past six years of my life. And the last time I was not, I was so idealistic to what I thought a relationship was, that I had no clue how shallow of a relationship I was in.
I am not in a relationship, to clarify. I'm in no rush to get into one. I like what I have right now. I mean, she hasn't made any attempt to encroached herself in my life, and embedding herself in my daily life with daily texts and phone calls and demands to be together every waking moment. She seems to just enjoy my company when we are together, which still surprises me. But I am in no rush, and on her part, she seems in less of a rush than me. (I know, its amazing to think that a woman can practice patience and self restraint with me. Trust me. Its admirable) I've been easing my way into dating, like backing into a parallel spot when you're a new driver, pumping the breaks every inch, checking out the window, praying that the car in your rear view and the curb are not nearly as close to you as they seem.
Everything feel different this time. I'm not sure if its that I've grown older or learned some level maturity; the only thing I remember my previous relationships was being frantically in love with a girl (now I use the term in love very generously here), confessing that I want to spend my every moment of every day with her, only then a few scant weeks later, to be sitting in the shambles of what might have been (and writing ballads of broken hearts thinking wistfully of all the bad sex we had). This time, its different. Everything feel more subtle, not so painfully bright in your face. At first, I mistook it as lack of interest on my part. I expected some huge spark, something to light my heart aflame (so seriously, I know my dattee also reads this and at this point she's either 1) slapping her hand over her eyes realizing that she's dating a moron or 2) laughing hysterically at me. Hopefully a combination of the two) and consume me. The younger (and skinnier) version of me wanted his women like a drug. Addictive. And with huge withdrawal after she extracted herself out of my life. Now, I just want someone to just be there and understand I'll be there too.
I think I used to rush because I hated the uncertainty. Being insecure about who I was, I craved the security of a title and benchmarks. You enter into the contract of a relationship and earn the title of boyfriend, then your relationship has reached a benchmark. Of course, now I realize that is almost as meaningless as a diet that you only follow for one day. I know now that titles and benchmarks don't guarantee certainty of anything and the only the thing that is certain is the uncertainty of life and relationships.
I mean, not that much has change. I'm still horrible in bed. But, this much I know. I certainly like her. And I know she likes me. Granted, that's the foundation of a fourth grade crush confirmed with exchanged notes sent over folded pieces of paper with hopes of a check by a box that says yes and not a facebook proclamation of a status change, but I rather face the uncertainty of tomorrow with someone that likes me than by myself.
Maybe its easier now that I've seen more of the messiness of life. Maybe its more reasuring that my footing is better, now that I've fallen so many times. Suddenly, not having blazed trail infront of me isn't so bad. I know what I know, and what I don't know will reveal itself, eventually. Not everything works on my timetable, as much as I would like it otherwise.
I started this piece describing of dating as a game of chicken. Now, I think of it as a subway ride. Me and my datee (whoever that lucky lady might be) are like both on the same car of a train. Whether we part because our destinations are different or stay on same train and go to the same place in the end makes no difference on the time we share together. We can either choose to sit and enjoy the ride and the company of the person that chooses to share it with you or gripe about the details of the ride: how the seats are too small, the ride is too long, and the pervasive scent of stale b.o. that seems to accompany every train ride. Each person will see it from their own perspective, but in the end, you experience the same thing. The ride. And what you take away from it, how you remember it, and honestly how you continue to experience, is all just up to you.
Just breathe and relax and know tomorrow the sun will rise.
Oh, have I mentioned that I've been dating someone for the past couple of weeks? And, its going well, contrary to the statement that I just wrote a few sentences ago.
Still, its been an adjustment, mostly on my part. Its been a while since I've dated anyone. Been a while since I've had feelings other than those based on the desire to sleep with someone for someone. I'm used to be a selfish, singular being. I've been a selfish, singular being for the past six years of my life. And the last time I was not, I was so idealistic to what I thought a relationship was, that I had no clue how shallow of a relationship I was in.
I am not in a relationship, to clarify. I'm in no rush to get into one. I like what I have right now. I mean, she hasn't made any attempt to encroached herself in my life, and embedding herself in my daily life with daily texts and phone calls and demands to be together every waking moment. She seems to just enjoy my company when we are together, which still surprises me. But I am in no rush, and on her part, she seems in less of a rush than me. (I know, its amazing to think that a woman can practice patience and self restraint with me. Trust me. Its admirable) I've been easing my way into dating, like backing into a parallel spot when you're a new driver, pumping the breaks every inch, checking out the window, praying that the car in your rear view and the curb are not nearly as close to you as they seem.
Everything feel different this time. I'm not sure if its that I've grown older or learned some level maturity; the only thing I remember my previous relationships was being frantically in love with a girl (now I use the term in love very generously here), confessing that I want to spend my every moment of every day with her, only then a few scant weeks later, to be sitting in the shambles of what might have been (and writing ballads of broken hearts thinking wistfully of all the bad sex we had). This time, its different. Everything feel more subtle, not so painfully bright in your face. At first, I mistook it as lack of interest on my part. I expected some huge spark, something to light my heart aflame (so seriously, I know my dattee also reads this and at this point she's either 1) slapping her hand over her eyes realizing that she's dating a moron or 2) laughing hysterically at me. Hopefully a combination of the two) and consume me. The younger (and skinnier) version of me wanted his women like a drug. Addictive. And with huge withdrawal after she extracted herself out of my life. Now, I just want someone to just be there and understand I'll be there too.
I think I used to rush because I hated the uncertainty. Being insecure about who I was, I craved the security of a title and benchmarks. You enter into the contract of a relationship and earn the title of boyfriend, then your relationship has reached a benchmark. Of course, now I realize that is almost as meaningless as a diet that you only follow for one day. I know now that titles and benchmarks don't guarantee certainty of anything and the only the thing that is certain is the uncertainty of life and relationships.
I mean, not that much has change. I'm still horrible in bed. But, this much I know. I certainly like her. And I know she likes me. Granted, that's the foundation of a fourth grade crush confirmed with exchanged notes sent over folded pieces of paper with hopes of a check by a box that says yes and not a facebook proclamation of a status change, but I rather face the uncertainty of tomorrow with someone that likes me than by myself.
Maybe its easier now that I've seen more of the messiness of life. Maybe its more reasuring that my footing is better, now that I've fallen so many times. Suddenly, not having blazed trail infront of me isn't so bad. I know what I know, and what I don't know will reveal itself, eventually. Not everything works on my timetable, as much as I would like it otherwise.
I started this piece describing of dating as a game of chicken. Now, I think of it as a subway ride. Me and my datee (whoever that lucky lady might be) are like both on the same car of a train. Whether we part because our destinations are different or stay on same train and go to the same place in the end makes no difference on the time we share together. We can either choose to sit and enjoy the ride and the company of the person that chooses to share it with you or gripe about the details of the ride: how the seats are too small, the ride is too long, and the pervasive scent of stale b.o. that seems to accompany every train ride. Each person will see it from their own perspective, but in the end, you experience the same thing. The ride. And what you take away from it, how you remember it, and honestly how you continue to experience, is all just up to you.
Just breathe and relax and know tomorrow the sun will rise.
