Rapid hope loss

Yeah I know, it's a title of a cheesy Dashboard Confessionals song.

But lately, I feel deflated. Like my tire, that gave out on the middle of 66 on my daily commute.

Sometimes I think that life is like fixing a leak. Every time you have one hole plugged in, another one breaks loose. And then you realize that you don't have any more fingers to plug the hole with. And I'm leaking a lot right now.

Let's cut to the chase. I'm failing at what I've been doing right now. I've been procrastinating, avoiding, hiding away from what I set out to do from the get go. I haven't been writing. I feel like I've put my eggs all in this one basket and put it aside, hoping one day it will magically sprout into something beautiful- without caring for it, tending it, sheltering it, or nurturing it. I have the paint and the canvas; I think I expect to see a masterpiece without touching a paintbrush.

Oh what a fool that I am sometimes.

Life is what you make of it. Brick walls are not obstacles in life; they merely show how much you really want something. Cliches are abundant for a person in my predicament.

I don't know. I don't know anymore. Answers are of plenty, but solutions, now that is a different a different bag. All I feel these days is a mixed assortment of feelings of apathy and frustration. I'm almost thirty and I look back at my life. Should I concentrate on the litany of failures that have amassed behind me or still hope for more in the future.

I hate doubting. Doubt is the delete button that I repeated press whenever I don't think anything I write is good enough. Wait. Had to stop myself from deleting right there.

I hate this innate frustration that I feel that I am not good enough. I cannot finish. People so much more talented than me have failed. What do I have that they didn't to succeed? Drive? Don't make me laugh.

I always thought if I put my mind to something, that I could achieve anything. It was my ace in the hole. I've failed because I never tried, not because I was never good enough. After writing that, I see that that's only an excuse in itself.

Maybe I am afraid to fail. In my mind, remaining ignorant and fantasizing about success is easier and much more fulfilling than actually trying and failing. And I will fail. Over and over again, before I succeed.

I am a writer. My professor wrote that in my journal once. I was taking a creative writing class in college. She asked us to keep a journal and hand it in weekly. She would sometimes respond. I think I had an entry- much like this one full of doubts and insecurities. Questioning my ability to write, to craft words in sequence in a manner that would be captivating and convincing and at the same time entertaining. But all she wrote was, "Nate, you are a writer. Never question that."

But it is one thing to be a writer and then another to write as a profession.

Breathe. In, and then out. Close your eyes, clear you head. Falling is not important. Getting up is.

Why do we fall, Master Wayne? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Batman quotes. You got to love them.