So every morning, I follow the same routine (well almost every morning, occasionally when I feel up to it, I run in the morning. Lately, I haven't really been feeling up to it, so I've been running later in the day). Alarm goes off. I press the snooze at least twice. Roll out of bed. Urinate, brush my teeth, shower, and then dress for work. Open my brother's door to let the dog out. Head downstairs, pull out a coke zero, sit at the computer or watch the news while I sip on my soda. Walk Linus and then hop in the car and drive to work.
And without fail, the first thought as soon as I walk into the office is what I'm going to eat for lunch. Not what I have to do for today or later that night. Lunch. Food is very important to me.
But oftentimes, the anticipation of an event, like lunch, is much more appealing than the actuality of the event. Don't understand? Good, then you're probably a normal, well adjusted human being. Typically if I don't have to explain my perspective (ie outrageous statements) to someone, it usually means that person is clinically insane. Like I am.
Take lunch for instance. Specifically fast food. We are inundated with fast food commercials late at night when we're watching Robot Chicken on Cartoon Network. Floating images of juicy, larger than life all meat patties topped with delicious ruby red tomatoes and crispy ever green lettuce (I swear to god I am drooling right now) and freshly tossed French fries to the side. We wait in line, taking fragrant aromas of cooking meat and frying potatoes, and pay our obligatory six dollars and fifty cents for a number two, medium sized with a diet coke (I'm trying to watch my caloric intake, I swear). We sit down and unwrap the meal that we've been fantasizing about since the night before…
And are greeted with a flattened, overcooked patty, covered by pasty white thing that hardly qualifies as lettuce, topped with over ripe tomatoes that are about an hour away from being paste. Not to mention that the fries are entirely too salty and then ketchup dispenser is out of ketchup. Not to say I still don't eat it. Bad looking food doesn't necessarily equate to bad tasting food.
Or take sex for instance. I remember younger years when I used to fantasize about my first time. I had porn induced images of bad music playing in the background as me, the young stud, galloping into shrieking ecstasy with my fair lady (aka slutty friend who would take pity on me) on a water bed. Reality was about two minutes awkwardly spent on my basement floor with a girl that I probably would be too embarrassed to introduce to anyone but my drunken self. Sadly, I was not drunk that night. Just horny. (On a side note, as humiliating as it is for most guys to lose their virginity, I swear to God it's got to be worse for women. It doesn't even feel that great. Why they put up with us is sometimes beyond me)
So the whole point of this is sometimes the illusion of anticipation trumps the actually reality of the situation. Things are never as good as they seem as they are in my head. Although, astrologically, I am an Aquarius, and apparently one of the traits of my sign is that I have a tendency to live in my head. But that's beside the point.
I went on a date last Wednesday with a girl that I met through the online site that I was using. Throughout the date and the tryst afterwards at her place, I leapt to a stunning conclusion (for me). I actually enjoy being single. I realized as I took my first couple of step on my own version of the "walk of shame"
walk of shame
/noun/
- Refers to the walk from a mate's domicile after copulation, oftentimes unexpected, back to one's own domicile or car, frequently with a bedraggled appearance as a result of the copulation that took place before hand
to my car, I cringed inwardly because I felt trapped that now I was going to be forced to spend at least one of my free weekend days with this woman that I met only hours ago.
I don't want to take the blind leap forward and plunge into a relationship with just anyone. Frankly, I realized that it would take an extremely special person for me to do that with. And although this girl was fun and nice, there was something not there that I needed to feel. I feel like I need to list attributes that I'm looking for, but even with that list, I'm not sure if that ambiguous, intangible something that I need and am looking for would be necessarily there. I can't quite quantify it. I think I'll just know it, when I see it. Or rather feel it.
On a side note, person I met off the website has not contacted me since our second "date." I am somewhat mildly relieved by that fact because it means I'm off the hook from dating someone that I wasn't really interested in, but at the same time I am curious to why she has not called me back. (I only called her once and left a voicemail. I am not one to call a lot (I totally used to do that. That scene in Swingers when Jon Farveau's character is calling the chick and talking into the answering machine. I cringe because I know what that's like)) Did I smell? Was I a bad kisser? Did I suck in bed? I feel like I need her to answer a follow-up survey to our brief time together.
But alas I know better. At least I think I do.
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