"You will never be happy if you continue to search for a reason for you not be happy." A nameless, wiser (but older) friend said this to me other day. I was blathering on to her about what was not happening in my life and why I was dissatisfied about this and that. At the same time, I was complaining about the inconvenience of newfound responsibilities that were being entrusted to me, which, in turn, could bring additional security into my life (employment wise) that I've been lacking sorely for a long time.
I was shocked when she said those words. Sometimes, I'm so good at telling myself what I want to hear that I, in turn, lose perspective of what is truth and what is my perception of the truth. I buffer myself with excuses and complaints that impede on me being proactive with what I want in life. And I find reasons not to be satisfied with things, but at the same time don't put the effort forth to fix them.
Face it. Ultimately it comes down to two choices. Be happy with your situation or change it. When it comes down to it, those are the two options you have. Stand still or move.
And she's right. I am not happy with my life. Nor should I be. I don't live to a fraction of my talent or my potential, and beyond that, I hardly stay afloat in matters which determine the quality of my life. These are things that need to change. These are things I need to push through. My goal this year was to put myself really in a position where I could begin to pursue writing as serious venture. I genuinely failed at that this year. I think that's been reflected in my failure to accomplish anything significant in my writing.
It's easy to write about changing. It's easy to talk about changing. It's even easy to take the first step. What is daunting is seeing your aspiration and your goal far horizon and realizing that even with the ten steps that you've taken, that tiny spec hasn't gotten any bigger. It's easy to lose count of how many steps you've taken. It's easy to back track your progress and want to walk back to something safe and familiar. It's easy to just quit.
I remember when I first started running. I would run this huge loop around Purdue University. I would use the university buildings as markers. I remember looking the first couple of times that I ran the route I did. I remember how small one building looked in the distance. And I remember just gritting through the pain, putting one foot ahead of the other. No matter how many steps I took it seemed like the building that was still as small as when I start. I had to stop running that day because I had not built up the endurance to finish the circuit. But when I looked back at from where I started, it looked so small in the distance that I had covered. I hadn't realized that even in my failure to finish the circuit, how far I had still traveled.
I believe that in life, who we are is not defined by our successes, but by our failures. Success and change are results of work done brought forth by a failure to act or failure to commit or failure to change. It's hard to me to admit but this year was a bit failure to me. At the same time, I've grown and matured in my struggle. I've more steps forward than I have back. I have more reasons to smile and be happy then to lament about my life.
I guess in the end, it is one just bitch about everything and it's another thing to want something more of yourself but be happy with everything you already have. I have to be reminded of that sometimes.
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