Random musings

I wonder if I'm depressed.

I'm old enough that I see the warning signs creeping up. Slowly, I find myself becoming less productive at work. Well, then again, let's be honest, I'm never really productive at work so, I suppose using that as a barometer for overall productivity in my life is like sending me to get lunch at Popeyes when I tell you I'm on a diet.

I am on a diet by the way. The growth of the stomach is somewhat alarming. And by alarming I mean disturbing. When you have to hold your breath when you want to bend down to tie your shoes, it's time to think about a salad instead of the Mcflurry that you've been eyeing.

But, I digress. I feel like being depressed is being stuck in life. Sometimes, stuck is nice. Stuck is static. Stuck is content with the things around you as they are. But the more you look at it, the more I live my life, frame by frame repeated day to day, the colors begin to blend together as the days do. Monotony and complacency begin to lose their charming comforts and I begin to wonder how much of life has past me by. I look back to days gone past, things that I once was, hopes that I once held, friends that I once talked to. For me it's scary to think that the best of me is in days past. Call me the eternal optimist, but I only hope that this day will eclipse the day before and what I once was will always pale in comparison to what I can be.

I dunno.

Making my own momentum is hard. Change is hard. Getting moving is hard. Life is hard. Big surprise.

I had a weird dream yesterday. I was with someone, an acquaintance that I've always thought was cute, but not someone that I actively pursued. Who she was wasn't really important, but in my dream, the feelings that I felt so real and strong. And then wake up and realize that what I had just dreamt was merely a dream and the feelings that I had begun to be associated with this girl were just random synapses in my brain.

Strange. Part of me pangs to feel that way about someone again, even if it is an artificial feeling.

My dreams got to stop messing with me.