I'll do it later

I'm stuck. I'm in a rut. Gears have ground to a halt.

I can't tell you when it began, but its been trending this way for a while. First, it started with an "I'll do it later." Later became next week. Next week became next month. And then I look at the task that needs to be done, and with the elapse time, the single task has accumulated and become a life style that will take months, if not years to change. 

And to think, the tipping point was just the single statement, "I'll do it later." How poignant. We look to the future  as an unwritten script that we can pile on the misdeeds of the present and the mistakes of the past, to sort them out then. We often forget that are future self is only a variant of our present self, and if our present self is unwilling to deal with issue at hand, how likely will our future self be? 

The accumulation of the I'll do it later's in my life- my brain splays into millions of tangental thoughts of how that single statement has crippled me from fulfilling my dreams, my desires, my goals. My mom used to chant to me, no, I'll do it later. You'll do it now.

I finally am beginning to understand what she meant. I'll do it later is a gamble. A promise of a day that might not come. There is not assurance in it. It has nothing to do with trust or responsibility. It is just a simple tip of my cap of the chaotic nature of life sometimes. I'll do it later is a promise that I cannot guarantee to keep, no matter how good my intentions. I'll do it later is a passive way of not saying no, when I don't want to do something and I know I should. I'll do it later is representative of the avoidance of conflict, sugar coating a bitter truth, acknowledging a shortcoming. 

I'll do it later is the reason why I'm fat. Its a promise to run, exercise, eat better for a tomorrow that I cannot guarantee will come. I'll do it later is making bets with house money, with all intentions of winning what money you already lost with money that you borrowed and now have to pay back. 

I've been a gambler this whole time, without even realizing it. I've just been gambling with the one currency that is more valuable than anything else in my life. My time. 

I think I'm going to start a list of rules in life that I should follow. So far I've got-

1. You will fail. If you're lucky, often. Embrace failure.

2. Do it now, or don't do it at all. I'll do it later is a promise to no one. 

3. The statement I'm not good enough is the most selfish statement in the world. 

I'm sure with time this list will get longer, and probably less profound as it gets longer. What do I care. It's my list. I've been meaning to write in this blog for a while now. Its been on my I'll do it later list. I think I should get rid of that list.