unfinished piece

5/25/2007

……..What am I doing here?

It was a question I found asking myself as I stood in a corner of the cramped apartment last night. Shuttered away by the random pieces of art that lay strewn around the room, I did my best impression of a wallflower as I stood by a cracked window, mesmerized by the glowing embers of my cigarette.

There was a temporary break in the music. The silence was a relief from the blaring music of rappers now long slain— lyrics of smoking weed, alcohol, and scantily clad women laid over beat and a pounding bass destroying what was a peaceful summer night.

“What are you doing over there?”

My attention turned back to the room. The speaker was a Korean girl that I had met only thirty minutes before. I had already forgotten her name. We had spoken earlier about our mutual Korean heritage. Nothing memorable was said, just small talk to break the ice. From the way she floated from guy to guy across the room, I got the sense that she was looking for attention. As she approached me, I secretly wondered how many more beers I would have had to drink before I was more willing to give it.

“Just smoking my cigarette…” I answered. I smiled at her as I took another drag. She smiled back.

“Well, quit being a loner.”

I nodded my head and she headed to the refrigerator to get another beverage. I leaned back and resumed my perch on the windowsill. I took another drag from my cigarette and as I exhaled out the window, I found my looking to the ground four beneath me, and precociously I sat against the open window. As my attention turned back to the people within the room, I wondered if any of them would have noticed had I fell. As I decided that I would not test fate or my inebriated friends’ perceptions, I flicked my cigarette out the window and returned to the living room, where everyone was gathered playing a game of kings. With my beer cup in hand, I crumpled down next to the couch.

As I sat quietly next to the couch, I absorbed the scene before. It was a coworker’s apartment that we had all gathered in.