perspective

5/29/07

I haven’t been writing much lately. I have been legitimately busy, no doubt, but still that really offers no excuse for me not to write. Instead I’ve been choosing going out after work to replace the late nights that I used to spend writing.

I’m not really happy how things are going in my life lately. I haven’t been faithful to the goals I set for myself. I realized this today as I sat out in front of the garage after our Memorial Day BBQ.

I’m off track. Like a lot of things in my life, I had such great momentum going in, but I failed to see things through. My writing has tailed off, I haven’t been running much lately, I’ve been falling back on bad habits, drinking too much. I got so many ideas in my head, but never do I really see them through. For me, starting is never hard. It’s finishing. It always has been my Achilles heel.

I realize that that is the biggest difference between my brother and I. Professionally and perhaps in life as well. Why he has succeeded, where I have failed. You see, Andy sometimes takes forever to start something. It’s an annoying attribute at times, I suppose. But then when he starts something, he always sees it through to the end. He’s wired that way I suppose, and in the end, I think that’s what makes him such a great project manager.

For me, it’s easy for me to start a million side projects all at once. Take in a ton at a time, but instead of finishing any them, I just start on another project, and another after that. I give excuses to myself writing because I just say that I’m out of ideas for the time being, which really isn’t a legitimate excuse. I’m never really ever out of ideas, I just sometimes don’t have the patience to write them all down at once. And that frustrates me. I guess at the first sign of difficulty that I find, I want to just jump ship.

In essence, I think that’s why I started writing. I would always use writing as an escape for any work or studying that had to be done. Not anyone surprise, but frequently my best writing periods often came at deadlines and finals. Now that I’m trying to write as profession, I guess therapeutic value is lost, and I’m trying to find my next escape as soon I hit some rough waters.

But I’m realizing that I don’t have that many luxuries in life anymore. I guess I’ve jumped out of too many ships.

I don’t drink anymore to get drunk. I realize I stopped doing it a long time ago. I guess I consciously realized it recently. Although lately I’ve been drinking with increasing frequency, I’ve been only drinking two to three beers a night. It’s almost a daily ritual to let myself unwind after working a full day at two different jobs. Lately, I’ve been working with a lot of younger people. Not even really younger in age, just younger at heart. They egg me on to drink more, stay out later. I don’t know how they do it; they live there lives twenty miles above the speed limit. I hit cruise control a long time ago. The days of me getting fucked up are few and very far in between.

I’m going to write more. I need to. I just needed a quiet moment to gain some perspective in my life again.

Sex on the Beach

1 oz. vodka
1 oz. orange juice
1 oz. cranberry juice
1 oz. peach schnapps

Now there are about a billion varieties to this drink and every one of them is right, dependent on who you ask. This is just my version, and its one that whenever I make it, people seem to like. It basically just a good drink for those who really, really don’t like the taste of alcohol. Because it really has not alcohol. Heh.