forlorn and tired

6/5/07
I was going to start this entry with an elaborate analogy, relating how I feel these days to being adrift at sea and bailing water to stay afloat.

Hmm. Perhaps that description is better than any analogy that I could have written.

It has been nearly two years since my last girlfriend that I had. I’m not sure if I would label it as a relationship. Most of it was imagined mutually. Online conversations and phone calls led to a frantic love in my heart that really had no basis. In hindsight, I should have not been hurt nor surprised how things ended. I try not to hold any regret about it and try and take away the positive, I do regret the decisions that I made. In the end, though, the fault lies with me.

It’s been more than a year since I told someone that I’ve loved them and meant the words that I said. Once again, the last person that I said it to was in the context of a tumultuous relationship where she could not reciprocate. Had she, I’m not sure if I would have believed her.

It is so strange to see things in hindsight. Without the magnitude of passion and emotion that I once felt for these people there, it’s like examining the skeletal remains of someone that was far more beautiful and vibrant when they were living.

I stand, right now, in the center of a whirlwind of change in my life. People around me, the people closest to me seem to be caught up in a storm of change. Relationships ending or beginning, people coming and going — I wonder how long before these winds of change sweep into my life.

So I wait, anxiously, unsure of what tomorrow will bring. My dreams have been plagued these days with unsettling images. Last night, I was among of group of undead. The night before, Bill O’Reilly stabbed my right eye with a tree branch. Tell me, oh interpreter of dreams, what these images foretell of the next breaths that I will take.

My inability to proactively deal with each respective situation has played on my inherent insecurities that I am not a good friend. I feel overwhelmed lately. For each friend that I talk to after a long period of non-communication, I pleadingly ask for them not to have anything amiss in their lives. I feel like I need to take a vacation from my friends. I wonder if I could send them each a card, relaying to them that I will be away for next two weeks and that communication and such should cease unless you are contacted by me or that the situation will lead to your death and/or your inevitable death.

What kind of friend does that make me for thinking thoughts like these? I feel like a fair weather fan, only claiming allegiance to a team when they are winning.

Breathe. Sigh. Relax. Close your eyes.

My phone has rung thankfully little today. Not many people have chosen to message me this afternoon. I don’t have to go to work at the bar tonight, where the inter-squabbling between employees and employees and employees and managers leaves me wondering how quickly the night will come to end.

I am forlorn and tired. Perhaps I am mistaken. Perhaps friends are what I truly need in my life at this juncture.

Greyhound
1 oz. vodka
Fill the cup with grapefruit juice

Same thing as a cranberry and vodka, except you use grapefruit juice.