flashes of light

6/2/07

I was carrying around a bucket of ice today and my knee decides to buckle under me.

No warning, no indicator, just intense pain shooting up and down my right leg.

I forget sometimes how easily life can go from nonchalant comfort to intense pain. In my youth and yes I am still young, I get forget the fragility of the human body and the human heart.

But then I turn the corner and Fate, biding her precious time, reminds me.

I apologize to all my friends that are still in my life lately. I am worn. I am weary. I am tired. Lately, it seems that my life has not been a battle of defining victories or defeats, but one of attrition, where the only moral victory that can be claimed is that I made it through the day. Yet still, despite my constant preoccupation, it does not excuse that fact I have not been there emotionally for friends that have already returned that same duty for me.

I apologize, whole heartedly, because as I am growing older and hopefully wiser, I am still learning what it is be a good friend. And I make and will make many mistakes in this learning process.

So many circumstances in my life seem to be on the change these days. I feel the shifting sands beneath me and I wonder, metaphorically, if it was so wise to build my, once again metaphoric, house so close to the beach. I wonder if my foundation is strong enough. I wonder if I am strong enough to endure. I speak my answer, a resounding yes, but in the back of my head I hear the creeping doubts of no’s.

My mind plays tricks on me. While walking to my car tonight, I thought of the regrets I would have if my life ended in that very instant. The aching pain in my knee gave fuel to these sobering thoughts. As I drove home, there were flashing lights over head from thunderstorms rolling through. I morbidly thought of the last moments in Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Was the last thing that those countless people saw just a flash of light?

It makes life seem so trivial.

No matter what I do, fate and time continue tread away slowly but surely. Each breath I take is one closer to my last. My friend sent me a text the other day. She is dealing with the inevitable death of one of her closest friend’s father. Tragic, since her own father passed only a few years ago.

“Is it better to know when you are going to die? I don’t know anymore.”

Either do I. I am still a novice when it comes to dealing with death.

If this is what every blue moon is to be like, I should be thankful that they are so infrequent. Close lids lead to dream plagued sleep and breathless goodnight to anyone still listening.

Blue Kamikaze

1 oz. vodka
1 oz. lime juice
1 oz. blue curacao
Here is a bartender trick. You know how all these bars have these exotic blue drinks? Two words. Blue curacao. Nothing more. Nothing less. Blue curacao is essentially blue dyed triple sec. You can use them interchangeably with any recipe and essentially make any cocktail blue.