Falling for imaginary people

After reading the title for the blog and knowing that I am trying my hand at online dating, the appropriate response to the title of the blog should be-

uh oh. (Or some equivalent expression of dismay)

Ten emails sent out so far. Zero responses. The logical, and thus smaller, side of me realizes that online dating is simply a numbers game. You email and email and email, till you find someone that takes a shining to the pretty words you write and write you back politely saying that she's not interested in you. And then you write twice as many emails, inevitably acknowledging the fact that, you maybe have overshot your own ability to attract women with five year old pictures that depict a more fit you and that your loneliness, like the consumption of multiple beer, has lowered your standards, yet again.

Eventually, someone, who also has a five year old picture, lowered self esteem and suffering from a similar condition of loneliness with a dash of desperation will email you back. That's how it works. Or is supposed to work for most normal, functional adults.

But then there's me.

I read a profile, look at a picture, see a smiling face and then let my imagination take over. (Okay gentle readers, right now is when you realize that 90% of perversion is farce for humor sake. No, I don't generally fantasize about women I have not yet met. I did use the word generally, so exceptions have been made). I fill in details about them, imagine what their voices sound like, wonder how we would interact. Ultimately we enter the deep recesses of my imagination and I flesh out an imaginary person that I am tremendously attracted to from just a profile (usually filled with odd, sometimes candid, but mostly generic statements) and a picture (typically shot at an angle).

Sad, isn't it? I laugh a lot writing this, and I try to make light of this whole dating thing, but I'm the one who's falling for imaginary women.

And even though I know its just a game of numbers, and eventually, eventually someone will reply, it stings doubly much that not only did the woman I emailed reject me but this imagined person that I've created in my head from a smiling photo and profile did as well. It makes it almost so easy. I almost think that maybe it should be this easy to meet and ultimately reject people.

I told my friend that I disliked online dating because it was like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound; it really doesn't address most people's problem. In the end, it puts the blame of your personal loneliness on the circumstances around you, instead of a personal introspection of what in your life is making you isolate yourself romantically to the people around you. Its easier to say, I don't meet women anymore. Its harder to say, I lack tact and drive away women with my sarcasm and self deprecation and have a hard time expressing my attraction to women because I have an unrealistic and deep seeded fear of rejection.

And I know online dating isn't the answer for me. But, if I can come to terms with these imaginary rejections, I think it will help be able to accept one face to face. Its like training wheels, before I try riding my big boy bike on my own.

God, I one fucked up individual.